'I use one hand to pull you closer the other to push you away'

Hmm, sort of forgot about this blog.
I've been struggling a bit with different things in my life, job, family, health, relationships, pretty much everything really and I can't really even explain why. I kind of decided the best thing to do in order to help me get through this, would be to become too busy for God and solve it myself.... wrong. I knew it was wrong, but I am pretty stubborn, and God just wasn't being very talkative, or... lets face it, I was being very attentive to his voice and really seeking him. I have never reacted like this before, usually when I am down I am driven closer to God, which I guess is why I was so upset and confused. Not sure where this is going.

We've been reading James a lot, particularly thinking on 1: 3 'because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance'. Thing is, I don't really feel like I have persevered, or had faith, and kep telling myself I must have learnt something, but why can't I see what? Then all these small things keep showing me that actually I never lost faith, and more than that God never left me, even if I felt he did. I looked back, and the occassions during this time when I genuinely sought God in earnest he answered, not always how I expected, but he looked after me. I just didn't want to aknowledge it.

So, back on track, and happy. But how do I motivate myself to throw myslef into God's work when I still seem to be in all the same situations? I heard an amazing sermon at HTB on Sunday by Francis Chan and took away 2 main things:
1) To play simple Simon with Jesus, when Jesus says do something I do it. e.g Jesus said don't lie, so I need to do that, not repeat it to other people, or learn to say it in greek or hebrew thinking that is impressive, just do what Jesus says!
2) Francis explained how someone had described walking along with his Youth Pastor and how people ran to the pastor, how he helped people- the man said it was the closest thing to walking with Jesus he could imagine. Obviously this got me thinking, how can I act in a way where people can see Jesus in the things I do, and say that I am like Jesus. So, believers get more and more like Jesus each day but I want people to see this so they will want it for themselves and it can impact lives for good.

ok ok I will update blog guys!

I wish I lived in a musical. I wish I just had to ask people to help me re-decorate an old London bus, they would help me turn it into a great camper van for free and we would sing as we refurbished it, then I would travel the world in it smiling and having adventures with great friends. then I fall in love with someone who also happens to be very very rich. Sorted. Regretting you asked me to post my random thoughts now???

Reading an article I was wondering why so much violence exists in Sinai when...

Muhammad decreed to "the Monks of Mount Sinai, and … Christians in general ...whenever any one of the monks in his travels shall happen to settle upon any mountain, hill, village, or other habitable place, on the sea, or in deserts, or in any convent, church, or house of prayer, I shall be in the midst of them... No one shall bear arms against them, but, on the contrary, the Muslims shall wage war for them."

In pursuit of.... what?

I guess sometimes I am in pursuit of something which feels so God driven, but maybe I lose sight along the way.

Matthew 7:22-23
On Judgement day many will say to me, 'Lord! Lord! We prophesised in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.' But I will reply, 'I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God's laws'.

Do I truly fix my eyes on Jesus and not focus on the task but on him, probably not, I tend to get blinded by what I believe is good, instead of building that relationship with God. If I meet with friends who I believe are strong in Christ and want to learn from them I need to make sure that in this pursuit of growing closer to God I am not falling behind. Relying on others to build me, and feeling under pressure to fit with ideals which instead results in me feeling far from God because I don't match up to the strong Christians I perceive others to be.

Hebrews 2:11
That is why Jesus is not ashamed to call them (ME) his brothers and sisters.

If Jesus is not ashamed of me, I can't be put down by anyone! I will build my relationship with God and Pursue him, not be pushed by the devil working to pull me into a place I feel far from God and unworthy.

Colossians 1:27

The message, THE entire message, kept secret for so long, can it really be summed up so easily? To think that for so many generations it was hidden, and for so long people lived without it. Now I know that 'Christ lives IN me'. Through this can I understand everything and be the witness he wants me to be? Will this give me the knowledge I hope to have to spread His word?

Colossians 1:26-28
This message was kept secret for centuries and generations past, but now it has been revealed to God's people.
For God WANTED them to know that the riches and glory of Christ are for you gentiles too. And this is THE secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory.
(capital letters special Elaine additions to add emphasis)

God wants us to know Him- his Word says so. If we ever feel unknowledgeable unworthy of knowing God, of spreading his word. We just need to know we have no need! All we need to feel assured is to know that God himself is in us and that is enough (more than!). Not only is Christ in us, but He LIVES in us. Pretty crazy when you think he died on the cross rose again and is in us... crazy but true, He is actually in us, guiding us living in us. I often wish I remembered this, that all I need to know.

Lord I want to look in myself daily and see Christ living, sharing all he is blessing me with so that others will see His glory. The scripture says this secret has been revealed. Imagine it, a secret hidden for so long and we know it, its written and saves lives, shouldn't I be shouting about it, reminding omyself how blessed I am to know this? Thank you Lord for revealing this secret. Help me to clear what is wrong inside me so that I might see clearly Christ LIVING in me. Christ remind me that knowing you are in me is all I need, from there I can grow to know all you want.